I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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