Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
