I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
