they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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