Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
