Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
