I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
