I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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