your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
