The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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