DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
