he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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