Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
