Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
