guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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