before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
