Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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