I wish they made helmets for livers.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
