I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
