I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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