I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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