If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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