Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize