1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
