Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize