Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
