would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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