The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
