sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
