I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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