my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
