Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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