Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You took a bar mat shot.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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