She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Vodka?
Forever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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