Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
