There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
