I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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