Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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