Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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