I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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