I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
