What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They have beer where we have blood.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
