your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
