just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
