No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
