dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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