I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
