We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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