i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
