I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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