I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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