Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
