I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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