Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
