I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
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