normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
