I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
