I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
