I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
