God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
