just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
